“You lose them the same way you got them.”
It’s a random comment left under one of Eniko Hart’s instagram photos, but I can’t help but feel like it holds truth. Why else would that one, out of the slew of other similarly spiteful comments, seem to jump out of the screen at me in big bold letters? My husband has strayed from our relationship twice now. Both times, eerily similar to the way that I got him.
I met him when I was 19. I was fresh out of a toxic relationship and still dealing with the aftermath of the break-up. We started out as friends. He gave me an outlet to vent about my ex and in turn, he would vent about his girlfriend whom he’d been dating for about 6 months. They were fighting a lot, barely getting along. He felt like there was a disconnect. The bond we developed through our shared relationship struggles sparked romantic feelings that, I’m sure, we could both sense were looming. I never mentioned them, but he did. I don’t remember how I responded to his admission of wanting more, but I do remember telling him that nothing would happen while he was in a relationship. A little over a week after he broke up with her, he was with me.
I don’t know if this is Karma or just the results of the nature of his character. I wouldn’t rule anything out at this point. But both times he’s sought solace in another woman during our roughest of rough patches mirror how our relationship was conceived. So I can’t help but to think that this is just something he does and will continue to do or, I’m being punished for playing a part in ruining another woman’s relationship.
If it’s the former and it’s a matter of character flaw. Then, wtf? If it’s ingrained in a person to run away from conflict, how do you combat that? Is it even combatable? If that’s what he knows, will he always be running? Because I can’t keep chasing him. No matter how much I love him. I just don’t have it in me to do this again. If it’s the latter and the universe is like, “You reap what you sow, bitch,” …then, okay. I get it. But like, when am I done reaping? Is this a “til death” type deal? Like, how do I get my Karma back in good standing? Don’t get me wrong, I accept full responsibility for my part in all of that and I’ll always harbor guilt about it. But is there ever going to be a point when I can finally unwind? Or does the unwinding happen when he’s gone for good?
I could very well be overthinking things. Since this Kevin Hart cheating scandal thing broke, my head’s been spinning. I don’t even particularly follow celebrity gossip so I guess it’s empathy, more than anything, that’s piqued and kept my interest. I know her pain so how could I not have a special place in my heart for her and anyone else experiencing something similar. Regardless, the whole thing is dredging up a lot of familiar feelings of concern and worry. It’s making me wanna sift through all aspects of my marriage with a fine tooth comb. And, that’s never a good thing. Not for my mental health anyway. I’m already feeling on edge…